Do people still look up #blogs. For months I have been debating what to add to my website to keep folks updated. There's been an increase of registering, becoming subscribers, and connecting. Which in all honesty feels super sweet. I cant thank you guys enough for coming out to a show, watching videos, and all your support.
So I settled on trying a blog. Something posted weekly with updates on shows and events.......and hopefully entertaining, engaging, and lots of run on sentences. Sorry grammar police.
If you've seen my show, you know I am very honest, and will laugh at anything. Very few things embarrass me. If you're offended by pure honesty or your judgy about what you think should or shouldn't be said, then you may not want to read my bogs.
In all honesty I have no clue who will read this, but I am trying something new and seeing what will happen. Which seems to be my way of life. I will try something new anytime. I am fully aware of the potential backlash, attacks, or just plain failure. I have grown to appreciate failure. Failure just means you're trying. I think I see failure very differently than most people, Most people see failure as falling short of the goal, or missing the mark. I dont see it that way. Failure to me is giving up. I have been trying to achieve a "goal" weight for 5 years. I have danced on the goal line for years. I once hit the goal and then my health took an ugly turn and the goal wasn't a number.....it was staying alive. I have struggled with the thoughts of failure over missing that number goal. But then I had to exam why I set that goal. What does that goal mean? And did I fail or am I calling myself a failure. Failing at a task is very different than calling yourself a failure. This self name calling has been a big struggle for me. I will talk to myself way meaner than I have ever spoken to anyone else. The weight goal journey has taught me that I am not my own friend. I haven't treated me very well. I have held myself to unrealistic goals, that I would never expect from anyone else. I have hated my body, when my body has been so good to me. I have given grace to people who wrong me, but punish myself. And even worse, I was modeling this for my kids. The goal weight didn't start as way to take care of myself, it was a acheivement I assigned a worth on. The lack of reaching that achievement became the lack of worth I assigned myself. When my health fell apart, so did i. Without the goal, without the achievement I lost a way to find my worth or value. This threw me into a spiral of confusion, depression, and eating....a lot. Actually, it wasnt too horrible. Of the 120lbs I had lost over the years I gained 40 back. I started 2023 trying to love life...all of it. So I spent the year trying to understand my body, my health, what I need to be healthy. I tried new diets and didnt "fail". I learned from them. I learned how my body needs to eat and what it needs to eat. I learned to allow myself to enjoy food, not for emotional support, but because its a way to connect with people and cultures. I cannot tell you the number of people who I have met who show love through feeding people. I thought I was the only one. I knew Southern mommas want to fry you up something and cover it in gravy, but so do hispanic mommas, and Italian mommas. Even midwesterners want you to enjoy a meal or 3. So I have learned to enjoy the homemade pies, tamales, casseroles, etc. But to not binge eat or run to the pantry when I am struggling. No number of chips has ever made a day less stressful. This isn't something I have completely overcome. I am pretty sure I took out a cookie platter this holiday season out of pure stress eating. The biggest change is not hating myself for it. I still have the thoughts, but I am learning to battle them better.
I haven't reach a goal weight. But I haven't failed either. I am stronger than ever and processing emotions better than ever. Thats a pretty good win for me. I dont think I started writing this post with the idea to share my weight loss and mental health issues........but I think this is how this thing will go. I hope you find some encouragement in my struggle, at the least, know you are not alone.
January 13 Statesville, NC. Family event hosting with my hubby
January 20 Private event for a fancy country club
January 28-29 Arizona