In the feel-ings

About 10 days ago or so I felt overwhelmed. At first I thought this was anxiety so I did what I normally do when I deal with anxiety. I prayed, I rested, I spoke truth against it. I did all I knew to do, and it did not go away. Then I spent time with God asking if this feeling was actually conviction of sin in my life that I had not seen. Maybe he was trying to get my attention. I had extended quiet time and meditation. I did all my things. The feelings were not going away. So I dug deeper.

This brought me back to the scriptures of Jesus going into the garden to pray right before his death for us. He took this time to not only be alone in the garden, but he took three of his closest disciples with him. Unfortunately, when he asked them to pray they kept falling asleep. Jesus went away into the garden to pray. In his agony of prayer (In Luke) he is described as sweating blood. Jesus took this time to pray because he knew he was about to take on a terrible death for our sins. Not just the death, but the torture before. As I read through the details again, I wondered if God was preparing me for something. Obviously nothing like what Jesus had been through. I began researching all the ways Jesus prepared for the times he was about to go into times of what we might call “struggles”. Before his time in the wilderness he fasted for 40 days. In all honesty I can barely make it an entire day fasting. 40 days can only be done by a Holy man. Jesus went away from the crowds to rest often. And then he went to the garden. He took his “trusted” disciples to pray with him, and he went alone to pray. None of this gave me any clarity on what my feelings meant, but it had shown me that if the Son of God took these measures, I needed to take note. I decided this was no accident of new understanding. I started my own preparing. Modeling after Jesus, I would be ready, just in case.

The next weekend I was apart of an incredible retreat. I saw the Lord move in ladies lives in miraculous ways. I had the honor to pray with dozens of ladies. We laughed and cried together. My own daughter was baptized in the ocean surrounded by the women in her life who mentor her. I thought this was what God had pointed me to. I thought I prepped my heart and mind to be ready for this weekend. And I believe that wa part of it.

But, when Monday happened. Then Tuesday happened. Then Wednesday happened. It wasn’t just that my car broke down. Or that someone who I thought loved me betrayed me in a way that I never thought would never happen. Then another rejection so deep it dug up rejections I had given to the Lord. All of this layered on one of the busiest weeks we’ve had in a very long time. God is so good, because I when each day happened I could see what was happening. I could see that this was what he was prepping me for. My feeling hurt, and I had to process them. I didn’t just stuff them down and act like they didn’t exist. It happened. I took those to my Heavenly Father too. I reminded myself of the scripture promises that HE will fight my battles. HE loves me, even if no one else does. HE provides all my needs.

My feelings still hurt at times. I have to keep reminding myself and discern how to handle each situation. We are not called to react through feelings. They can lie to us. They don’t always know the truth. But those feelings can be a check engine light. Those same feelings had me ask God what to do over a week ago. Those feels had me start the conversation with God. So I take all my feelings to God. He will help me keep them in check.