Who's body anyway?

Over the years I have struggled with body dysmorphia. Gaining and losing 100s of pounds will do that to ya. I clearly remember as a teenager being obsessed with my body, and not in a good way.  I was constantly concerned if I gained weight or I got another roll.  This led to some very unhealthy eating habits.  I would make jokes about it to deal with my pain. Really because people around me had been either talking about it or making fun of me my whole life. So I might as well get the laugh before they did.  The words of childhood bullies rang in my ears throughout my life and pushed me to laxatives, weight loss pills, or even binging and purging food.  When you are quick witted you are good at taking the punchline away from the bullies, and I got good at it.  Even in my 20s and 30s. When I started at open mics, other comics loved to make fun of the fat mom comic. Social media groups became the forum for comics to compare me to whatever meme they saw lately…whale, cow, large other person who they thought was gross. Some people thought this was enough to motivate them to lose weight.  Not me, the emotional toll sent me to my car for a binge eating session with my favorite double cheese burgers.  When my first TV special came out there were more comments about my looks than my comedy.  I sat home for a week. 

 Until I had to headline my next club. There was no stopping. People could hate my thighs or my belly.  They could say how I needed to quit eating or stop with the donuts. But I would just turn it into the next joke.  I made me the punchline.  I had 20 minutes of hilarious fat jokes. All true life fat jokes.  People loved it because it was true.  It wasn't mean.  It was all things that had happened to me. I was taking back the power over the fat.  I felt like I was winning. But I was so insecure. I hated my body. I was ashamed of it.  I was making fun of it.  I was the “fat’ Butt of the joke.

Then God started changing me. He gave me a daughter and told me I had to love me the way he loved me, so I could model that for her. I began to learn who I was to God. As I learned how much I was loved by God, even my body, those jokes did not feel “right”. I was not honoring the child he created. Really good friends in my life would call me out about it.  My jokes on stage shifted to the jokes I loved that represented the change God had brought in my life. I still made jokes about my size because I talked about what was happening in my life, but not in a derogatory way. Not to take the power over my shame, but because I felt free from it.   I no longer felt shame in my size….all the time.  Let's be honest, my body image struggles have not just gone away completely.  I still have my moments.

  Praise the Lord for good friends who still call me out.  One time in a green room before a show I made a comment complimenting the other ladies and degrading myself.  One of the other speakers lovingly reprimanded me.  She had to do that more than a few times because I felt so inadequate working with her.  She is gorgeous and so talented. Knowing that she felt the same way about me enough to tell me helped change my view of me.  I am so grateful for her!  Anytime I stand in that greenroom or onstage and doubt myself I am reminded of her sweet words.  Never hold back when God tells you to speak loving, kind truth to someone.  It can be life changing.  I still hear faint echoes of past bullies but now I have the scriptures and words of friends I am reminded of to drown them out. God wants to free us from any hurt that holds us back from the freedom he's calling us to. He also wants to use us to help others on their path to freedom.  Speak truth to a friend.  Tell them how beautiful they are. Don't allow them to speak negatively about themselves in any way around you.  Even if it is a joke.  My favorite way to call it out is “Don't talk about my friend that way”  

Be a blessing yall!